A tasteless lifestyle

Extreme tastelessness in downtown alleys during the Olympics

donnoodle — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:31:42 +0000

It’s been a pretty crazy time during the Olympics in Vancouver, BC. We were witness to some extreme tasteless behaviour in the downtown area on Saturday night in the alley behind Goldie’s at Pender and Seymour.

We were hanging out in Goldie’s Lounge (dark basement with techno music) on Saturday night. It was the only place that lacked hour long line-ups and that offered reasonably priced alcoholic beverages. The bathroom had been backed up when we got there, and had steadily gotten worse throughout the night. At some point, I decided to purchase a beer. I ended up getting the beer for free because the guy at the bar didn’t know how to charge a debit card, and the guy who knew how to use this technology wasn’t giving a fuck at the time. Minutes after finishing my pint of Sapporo I got the familiar urge to urinate. The toilet had been closed off at this point and the urge for relief had become exponentially stronger after remembering the restroom situation. You could say it was one of the “want what you can’t have” body reactions. Fillet O’Fish was getting antsy after his dj set, and had asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I thought it would be a good opportunity to relieve myself in the alley.

Walking into the alley we notice a guy standing behind a dumpster. I opted for peeing on my side of the dumpster opposite the guy in order to avoid the awkwardness of having to go around and unzip my pants next to a stranger in a dark alley. The alley and dumpster reeked of urine and trash. Apparently, it had been a frequent stop for Olympic fans in need of relief. The guy had a weird look on his face, but at this point there was no stopping the fact that I was peeing in that alley way. During urination a group of passer by’s on the other side of the alley on Granville, suddenly stopped and started applauding and screaming. I raised my hand and screamed URINATION YEAH! There was nothing for me to be ashamed of after all, it was just peeing in an alley.

I obviously didn’t know what was going on the other side of the dumpster. As I finished my yell, a girl’s head pops up and for a split second the three of us make eye contact. The cards were now on the table. They hurriedly walked around the dumpster and passed me towards Seymour. Fillet witnessed the whole exchange and looked on with disbelief as the couple passed by, and the girl wiped her mouth clean. I cannot stress how much that alley stunk of urine; therefore we thought the young lady had to have been a whore. Our walk consisted of analyzing the event and discussing the minutiae of the pros and cons of getting head in an alley from a hooker.

As we turned the corner on Seymour the story had been thoroughly discussed and had been put to rest. As we go back in to Goldie’s we see the young couple sitting next to the window with possibly one set of parents. There was eye contact between us and them for a split second, it was all the time needed to realize that we had recently met. Fillet and I start giggling like 15 year old schoolgirls, running down to the basement lounge to avoid any further awkwardness. The girl charging cover had lost her coat when we had left for the walk. We came back and luckily she had found it, but was now suffering from an intense urge to pee. We decided it was an appropriate time to tell her our story.

“Oh my GOD that is so funny, I reaaally need to pee though… and this makes me want to go even more!”

As she uttered these words, “blowjob alley” guy comes down the stairs and tells her that she can always pee in the alley. Fillet and I look at the situation with jaws open in disbelief. As he’s turning to go up the stairs to return to his dinner with the parents, he tells the girl that they can meet there if she wants; she obviously declined. We communicate to Kimberly that she just had a conversation with the real “blowjob alley” guy.

As we were waiting in line outside of Goldie’s to purchase some slices of their delicious pizza we share our story with random people we have never met in our lives. Needless to say “blowjob alley” couple are still inside having dinner with the parents. We get our slices and dig in when low and behold “blowjob alley” girl comes outside to have a cigarette. At that point we had stopped talking about “blowjob alley” and were enjoying our slices. We would not further ruin this girls night because she blew some guy in the alley. As Kimberly is making her way out of Goldie’s she passes by “blowjob alley” girl and screams

” Hey guys I hear there’s this alley in the back we should check out…maybe you guys can get some blowjobs”

“Blowjob alley” girl looks down in shame and throws her unfinsihed cigarette away and walks back in to the restaurant. She was probably thinking why she ever agreed to give head to her boyfriend behind a urine stinking dumpster downtown on a busy Saturday night during the Olympics while having dinner with the parents.

I am the Truth, the Light, and the Way..

filletofish — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 09:59:08 +0000

Oh yee of little faith, oh yee of doubt and despair, trust yee not of the grand plan our Tasteless Father hath upon us?

For you see, only in death, can this blog be resurrected and truly reach the potential it has yet to yield.

I hope this was an important lesson to you all, my children. Heed not in taste, but in tastelessness… I love you all.

I am Tasteless Jesus.

Fillet O’Fish

Screw “Tasteless Jesus”… I paid for the domain name

donnoodle — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 01:58:49 +0000

The 10 dollars I shelled out for this domain name will be put to good use. If tasteless Jesus does not want to contribute, then fine I’ll just have to suck it up and make this little idea of mine work. If you want something done, I guess you just have to do it yourself.

Which brings me to this…who was it that thought increasing the parking meters to 10 pm was a good idea!? I mean do you know how expensive cabs are in this city or how early public transport stops running! Is the city government out to get me cause I’m poor? I mean I know it’s the Olympics and everything, but DAMN!.

It’s going to get mighty hard to live a tasteless lifestyle around these parts if the ball keeps rolling this way. Whatever happened to controlling inflation!? Guess I’m not voting liberal again…

I’ll have a better post at some point, if I can still afford to have internet in the next few months. In the meantime I leave you this:

The dream is dead…

donnoodle — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 06:31:43 +0000

I started this blog with the purpose of presenting to the world what I thought was an interesting spin on unemployment and the absurdity of our modern day job market. I came up with this idea much like anyone would by sitting around with a few buddies over efficiently cheap and inebriating beer, and throwing random ideas into the air for a possible quick laugh. Yet I took one of those ideas, which at the time I thought to be brilliant, and ran with it. I created a forum to voice the trials and tribulations of this tasteless stage of life as a means of comedy, comfort, and support to those who were living in tastelessness. I even bought the domain name. What I did not realize was my shortcomings in understanding the meaning of a truly tasteless lifestyle.

How can one truly live a tasteless lifestyle when one depends on the effort of others? How does a group oriented blog fit in to this specific life philosophy if one actually has to take time out of one’s busy day of doing nothing and sit down to write ideas? Isn’t a blog just a shameless form of self promotion that goes opposite to the founding principles that to be tasteless you must be deceptive in nature to distinguish yourself from being an average deadbeat or just a shameless bum? These uneasy truths became apparent not through a friendly chat with fellow tasteless lifers, or a forum where it was pointed out that the blog ran contrary to the underlying themes of living a truly tasteless lifestyle, but by the slippery behavior of a tasteless Jesus that proved to be the true tasteless one in the group. He is called Fillet O’Fish in some circles.

I started the blog in September of 2009 after the previously mentioned meeting, and Fillet O’Fish aka Tasteless Jesus was one of the most ardent advocates of this project. However, little did I know that he was about to teach me a valuable lesson in what being truly tasteless consisted. He went about showing me the true meaning in his own slippery messianic way letting his actions do the talking. He avoided contributing to this blog through persistent avoidance of responsibility, slippery change of subject tactics, and all out in your face just not doing something because he did not feel like it. Out of all of the contributors he was the one with most leisure time, stories, and perspectives to make this a truly great blog.

I sent guilt messages through Facebook mentioning that I had paid 10 dollars for the domain name. I strongly urged him to contribute during phone calls using our friendship as leverage. I gave incentives to post extracurricular projects such as DJ gigs on the blog to entice him to do his intro. I also opened up a twitter account so that he could just write 140 characters and contribute in some way to this seemingly great idea. Junior Bacon called him out on this very same blog to prompt him into action by writing an intro. We just wanted to see where this project could lead. Finally, I gave a deadline – “If in five days you do not write your intro… I will”. The five days passed and this is what I saw as his Facebook status:

” Just woke up from a nap, had a bubble bath went for a jog, and ate a tuna sandwich. I’m ready for anything.”

The tasteless Jesus is PD (took out name since he eventually published his post) and although the failure of this blog falls squarely upon his shoulders he has truly accomplished his goal of showing me how a truly tasteless being should behave. I stand not defeated but enlightened and will pull the plug on the dying corpse of this once good idea that simply was not meant to be released unto a world that was not ready for it . PD your summer of fail has turned into the tasteless fall of fail. I encourage the people reading this last article to read the other four postings so that if one day you encounter someone that goes by Fillet O’Fish, Slippery Pete or just simply PD you will know that you are facing some truly magnificent tastelessness

Don Noodle

A Man So Tasteless…

Jr. Bacon — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:20:46 +0000

There is a man, let’s call him Snack Wrap (though he is known in certain circles as Filet O’Fish), so immersed in the tasteless lifestyle he has been unable to fulfill even the most basic social obligations. Over a month ago, Don Noodle set up this fine blog and asked us both to participate, to share our financial struggles and our journeys into tastelessness. Since then, some of us have gone further down that road than others. I, not known for my punctuality, took a whole month before I wrote my first post. What it took was Don Noodle reminding me that he had paid $10 for the domain name: www.tastelesslifestyle.com. Hearing his tale of irresponsible but selfless spending, I was shook to the core and immediately began to draw up my first post. What if I was short $10, how much worse off would I be? Could I spend without any regard for my own well being? These were the questions that raced through my mind as I frantically typed away and yet, now a week later, Snack Wrap is likely sitting unconscious in his favourite chair, his mouth gaping wide. At his feet, there is a collection of used napkins and Tim Horton’s wrappers (He maintains that the Tim Horton’s Chicken Snack Wrap has the best cost to nutrition ratio in the current fast food market, hence the name). His hands are down his faded sweat pants and…well, you get the picture. This is a man without conscience, without guilt or shame. But that is precisely why Snack Wrap’s involvement here is so important. Clearly, I’ve been unable to completely divest myself of taste and still seek the approval of my peers. But these are burdens that Snack Wrap lives without. So let his utter disregard for civility be an example of how we should all live our lives in these tasteless times! Pray that we might have something of value to offer this great man, so that one day when the cosmos aligns just right, he may share his wisdom with us.

And Then There Were Two: Introducing Jr. Bacon

Jr. Bacon — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:51:44 +0000

Like Don Noodle, I use to work the same crappy customer service job. Each day we shared our frustrating work experiences (of which there were many) on public transit going to and from the office. The two assholes talking so loud on the bus or train that you felt their inane chatter was physically invading your personal bubble, that was us…at least, until our office was closed and our jobs were outsourced. When the announcement was made, we were oddly silent. And for several reasons. First of all, because many of our co-workers who had been with the company for years didn’t know how they were going to feed their kids or make their mortgage payments in a few months time. We had enough tact not to break into song and dance in front of them or, on the flip side, to trivialize their problems with our own minor complaints and concerns. Take some time and go traveling? Find another crappy customer job? Damn, better hold back on buying that .There was also the small matter of being right. In spite of the company’s best efforts to keep us in the dark, it was clear that the ship was going down. Still, there were those that insisted upon our company’s good nature and competence. But again, when we were dismissed with nothing more than a vague explanation of what’s good for business, it didn’t seem like an appropriate time for “I told you so.” So was it simply our social graces that kept us quiet? Or was it something more, a joy or rage so powerful, so profound we couldn’t find the words? I’d like to say that I experienced something of that magnitude when we were laid off, but the reality is that the corporation had numbed me so completely all I could manage was indifference, a slight shrug of my shoulders. Sure, I could have been outraged, but I kept my head down, stayed off the radar, and collected my last pay cheques. It was the same force that kept me from quitting in the past on my own accord, the same force that I now intend to channel as I live the tasteless lifestyle. What choice do I have? I could find another soul crushing customer service job and return to a life of slight respectability, but where has taste gotten me? It’s time to regress, to return to those first days of life on your own, to student living, to instant noodles, Kraft Dinner, and malt liquor. Working for a corporation has taught me so much about cutting back. It’s just a matter of applying those lessons and tipping the scale, trading those costly pleasures (like proper nutrition and beer that doesn’t taste like gasoline) for the soul you pawned long ago. Join me as I try to cut costs to make my life sustainable. I am Jr. Bacon and this is my story.

Introducing Don Noodle

donnoodle — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 06:12:58 +0000

After getting laid off from a shitty customer service job from a certain large online auction company I took a month off to heal the psychological wounds inflicted upon my person by the company and its customers. I came back to find that the only jobs being offered were worse customer service jobs or jobs that offered peanuts as compensation. So I and other colleagues decided to start this blog because we made a conscious choice: We opted for a life of tastelessness and unemployment (yes we are on EI and are eagerly awaiting our first checks) until some baby boomers die, the economy picks up, or one of us wins the lottery. This is my introduction. I am Don Noodle